A Little More Personal

In 2007 I was in the midst of a war of self-hate with myself that had started in 2004. I spent my time starving myself, limiting my intake of calories and obsessing over extremely thin celebrities and models. I was always looking at thinspo, I’m ashamed to say I even ran a thinspo blog for multiple years. That wasn’t the only hate I showed my body, I also self-harmed. Cutting, scratching, anything to release the pain. My teenage years were spent feeling guilt, shame, embarrassment and hate towards myself.

It didn’t happen overnight, but in time (during the spring of 2010 I believe) I learned my body was okay. I learned to cherish my body, not to harm it.

People always ask how I managed to get where I am today, and honestly I don’t know. Something inside of me just clicked. I realized all these awful feelings I had were only being caused by me. Because I didn’t like my body, not because anybody was giving it hate, it was all coming from within. Ever since I came to the realization I’ve stopped telling myself those ugly, hurtful words.

When I was struggling with my eating I would always hear from my friends and family, “You’re too skinny”, “eat a sandwich!”, “you look like you’re sick” and it sucked! Nobody likes being told they look ill. Now when I see my family they tell me how great I look, how I look healthy and happy. You know what? I feel happy and healthy too!

In the 2007 photo I was wearing a size one and weighed just under 100lbs, today I weigh around 130 (although I fluctuate from 145 and back often) and wear a size nine. Weight and clothing sizes are just numbers to me now. If clothing fits and looks good on me, I don’t care what the tag says. If I look in the mirror and like what I see and I feel good, then the number on the scale (which I don’t even own!) is just a silly number with nothing of importance.